An Angel
by MyHeroRaven
Summary: There is more to James then meets the eye. And no one gets it. No one understands. Character Death. Implied Slash. Cussing.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**A/N: Things are still hard... and I'm trying. Just wanted to show who James really is, what he really goes through, and people don't always see you for who you are... until it's too late. But just remember that you're beautiful. And I don't care how fucking cheesy that sounds... it's true. Never doubt that. **

**An Angel:**

_It wasn't supposed to have happened this way. He wasn't supposed to be gone..._

The game ended with a loud buzzer going off, nearly shattering James' skull. He looked down in shame and defeat. They had lost. And it was his fault. The walk back to the locker room was long and James was nervous. He knew everyone was mad at him. So he just put his head down and kept walking. Not even his best friends could save him now.

_Keep moving... forget what they say, they'll never bring you down honey._

Reaching the locker room he could feel all eyes on him, angry, like the demons that screamed at him in his nightmares. He felt sick to his stomach. The coach's voice interupted his thoughts and he started to change out of his sweaty hockey gear and into a pair of sweats, wife beater, and hoodie.

His mom would have scolded him at his attire... if she even cared anymore. Because it was almost Christmas in Minnesota, and that meant way below freezing tempatures. But James didn't care. Maybe tonight the cold would be his only friend.

After everyone had changed the coach ordered them to sit down and pay attention. He paced the floor, angry, and dissapointed, before his eyes met James'.

_It's over now, can't go back, don't even want to_.

"Tonight was a fluke... it was a fluke because Diamond here couldn't get his perfectly groomed hair out of the goddamn clouds!"

James flinced as the harsh tone ripped through the cold of the locker room. But he did not falter... did not stop looking into his coach's eyes. It was the dissapointment that got him. Because someone hadn't been dissapointed in him in a long time... after all... his parents didn't care anymore. They were too busy being wrapped up in their divorce to care about James... after all the separation was James' _fault_. Everything was his fault.

"If you worried more about practice, and less about what kind of moisturizer to put on that pretty face of yours every night we would have won. But we didn't. We lost... and you let me down Diamond. You let your whole team down."

Some of the team laughed at James. His face burning red in embarassament and hopelessness.

But he never looked away.

"You're off the team Diamond."

James couldn't move... couldn't even breathe. He felt the stares of his friends, as the hair on the back of his neck prickled uncomfortably. No one said anything.

His friends didn't defend him... didn't say a word.

He felt like he did in that one dream... where he jumped in front of his best friend... Carlos... and took a bullet for him. There's a fine line between dreams and reality... and right now those lines are blurred... who was he willing to protect...? Who were really his friends? A horrifying thought entered his brain and took over... what if he didn't have friends anymore?

And the worst part of all of this was... There was more to James Diamond than just a pretty face.

And he couldn't believe that his best friends... couldn't even see that.

_You weren't supposed to leave us... we never deserved you... _

He was brought back to reality by the harsh words of his ex-coach.

"Didn't you hear me Diamond? You're off the fuckin' team... get your shit and get out kid."

James' face flared in rage as he grabbed his bag and stick. Moving towards the exit he froze, one hand on the door he craned his neck, so they couldn't see his face but they could hear his voice. He wasn't going to take this.

_Stand up for yourself... fight for yourself... you know who you are. _

"I'm not just a pretty boy, I'm not just a hockey head, or a fashionista, and I'm not selfish and stuck up. And just because I seem that way... doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I'm human, I feel just like you. But I'm not the person you think you knew. You don't know who I am so just stop pretending you do."

And then with the anger left in him he turned to his coach, realization about his abilities as an athlete and the coaches abilities as a jerk reaching his heart. he glanced at Carlos, Logan and Kendall briefly... eyes lingering longest on the Latino, before looking away towards a grown man who had no business being a coach. Especially a sport with so much heart... when the man had none.

"And I didn't let the team down... I played my hardest. You let yourself down."

With that James Diamond walked out of the locker room for the last time. Little did he know his friends were furious, already arguing with the coach and demanding his place back on the team.

But it was too late...

_Good things always come too late... he never had a chance... never saw it coming._

James was proud of himself... proud that he stuck up for himself, and even though he was alone he knew it was worth it. Even if he lost his friends...

Leaving the rink he bypassed the car pool area and grabbed his cell calling his mom. She answered after a couple rings.

"Hey... mom. Yeah I'm done, but can you get me at the park instead of the rink? Yeah... okay. Yeah I love yo-"

She had hung up.

James started his journey through the small town towards the park. I was freezing outside, and his hands were shaking. But for some reason, James couldn't bring himself to care. The thought of life without his friends made living life not worth it.

_It's like he was just a worthless star among a galaxy... surrounded by many but so alone._

Finally reaching the park James settled himself down at the foot of a large tree, it was dead because it was winter, but it was a place to think while he waited for his mom.

James didn't know what to do, he had lost his place playing hockey, something he cherished and loved so much it hurt, and he had probably lost his friends. His parents were getting a divorce and his mom couldn't even say, 'I love you,' anymore. It hurt, who was James to turn to when no one wanted him?

For once in his life James didn't care that his hair was a mess and that he was all sweaty and dressed poorly. It was late at night and no one would see. No one would care.

Fiddling with the tape on his stick he realized it had been a long time and his mom still hadn't showed up.

'She probably forgot.' he thought. Worried Jamed pulled his cell out to call his mom only to find that it was dead. He was shaking really bad now, but he didn't want to start walking just in case his mom did show up, only to be stuck somewhere unknown without his phone.

'It'll be okay... just wait it out.' James told himself.

He had always thought that he was a good person, he was there for his friends, and he cared. He wanted to be a good person, more than someone who was just self-absorbed. Carlos was the one to teach him that... teach him that there's more to life than hair products, and clothing. That friendship was the most important thing.

But he doubted even that mattered anymore.

His whole life he had been on the verge of messing up, losing everything, when in reality he pretended he was perfect.

James didn't want to pretend anymore.

Everything was blowing up in his head and he didn't know how to stop it... before he knew it there were tears cascading down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them, so he let it happen. He buried his head into his frozen hands. He could feel his hair, once damp from sweat, hardening from the cold.

His actual hair was freezing.

He couldn't feel parts of his body, and he knew it had been hours. He leaned his head against the tree and closed his eyes.

He dreamed of Carlos.

His whole life James had felt unloved by his parents. Forgotten by his friends. But now... the cold loved him, embraced him lovingly, wrapped him up, and protected him from this harsh reality, and somewhere deep within him his heart warmed. The cold _cared _and, before James could even close his eyes, had claimed him as its own.

**XXX**

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos had been running around for hours, trying to find James. Kendall suggested calling his cell, but all they got was his voicemail. Signaling that it was dead. Logan finally had the sense to call his mom.

After a brief converstation, involving Carlos screaming at the lady for forgetting about her only son on a night as cold as this, the boys headed to the park to get their brother back.

They had been furious when the coach had treated James like shit and kicked him off of the team, but they were in shock. That's why they didn't move into action until it was too late.

But now they were here, in the park, ready to find their friend and bring him home.

Where he belonged.

Looking around the boys began calling out for their friend. Screaming his name and getting worried when no one answered back. It was like that summer... when you were playing marco polo in the pool. You said marco and got nothing back... and it was then that you realized that you made up all those friends inside your head. And no one would ever be there to say polo.

A scream ripped the boy's out of their thoughts as Kendall and Logan ran towards the noise.

Everyone froze... except Carlos.

He had sunk to his knees, screaming, crying, just _anything_, to prove that he was dreaming. That this was just some nightmare and he was going to wake up in bed with his Papi smiling and telling him it was time for school.

But this was no dream.

There lying at the foot of the tree was James. His head was lolled to the side, laying there gently, and his body was pale. Deathly pale. His hands lay palm open at his sides... as if he were reaching out for someone, _anyone_. Icicles hung off of the handsome boy's eye lashes, his cheeks were tinted blue, and his eyes were shut. A single tear had frozen across the bridge of the boy's nose.

"No!" Carlos screamed... he couldn't take this, couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't _feel_. It was agony... the boy he loved more than anything in the whole world was-

Kendall and Logan rushed to Carlos, falling down beside him as the boy cried out. Crying like the universe had just ended. When in reality...

It really had.

The boy's didn't know what to do, what to think. There was nothing they could do... but it wasn't long enough. 16 years old wasn't long enough. They wanted more time with their friend. Carlos wanted more time with _James_.

But time had run out

_Baby come back... we're not finished loving you yet._

He was an angel... in that moment in both senses. In the sense that the boy that they had hurt, their best friend... was truly beautiful and innocent. Like he had been all along, they had just never seen it. And in the sense that he was literally an angel now. Because as the boy's held each other and cried they knew that he was gone.

**MyHeroRaven**


End file.
